The Rules

[4Falls]

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

 

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me.

[bonecollector]

Those are great rules to remember when my daughters get to that dating age.

[Non-Typical Solutions]

4Falls......how old are your daughters ?????

 

I had 4 boys and feared the idea of what you are preparing for but never had a girl......best of luck

[4Falls]

Twins. Almost fourteen. Ill be lucky to survive.

 

Rules 6 and 9 are my favorite. Ive already had to enforce the last line of #6.

[reezenhunter]

Baggy pants aren't the style anymore they actually went from one extreme to another now its really really tight pants

[bowhunter4life]

good rules, but with a 16 almost 17 year old daughter. I have to disagree, it all starts when they are born. Building a solid relationship with them, creating a trust, respect with great communication is the best defence a father can have. Just remember, 99% of all girls that are hanging with the wrong group of boys is because they are lacking from something their father is not giving them! Typically it Love, not the love the boys want!

[Mountainman99]

I'm going to keep these on file if I ever have a girl:-)

[Snapshot]

 

[Hunterjohnny]

Nice!

Been through it once and have a 15 year old chomping at the bit.

I was called closed minded because I judged two on the many piercings and tatoos. Two different boys with "good hearts". It is so different from when we went through it. The respect for parents, daughter and self is not there. I had one double arm hugging her and when I said to take his arms off he smiled and winked, and kept hugging her. Thank goodness several friends restrained me because tunnel vision kicked in and I was in motion.

 

Simple rule of life is daddy's little girl means more than life itself, no exageration.

Good luck!

[Pine Donkey]

My girls are now 21 and 22. I have not had to shoot anyone yet, but I have shared my willingness to shoot with a couple different boys.

[Tucson John]

Nice write up 4Falls! My "girls" are now 26 and 23. My hair started going grey when they were 13 and 10! Now every one of them is grey!

[POB]

I had to enforce rule no. 1 once. Only once. When the word got around I never had to worry about it again. I walked out, tapped on his window with my .357, and told him just how things were going to be. That was just how things were after that.