Outdoor Writer Report post Posted January 27, 2013 As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .. Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician! Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity usually read stuff like this with their hand on the mouse Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.. NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Snapshot Report post Posted January 27, 2013 Maybe you should change your user name to "Monk" like the guy on t.v Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
muledeerarea33? Report post Posted January 27, 2013 Haha I started out reading this concerned and thinking you had that Howard Hughes mental disease. Very funny! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tjhunt2 Report post Posted January 27, 2013 I take it you haven't played golf in the last couple days. I laughed thru the whole thing Tony. Nicely done for our entertainment. TJ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bonecollector Report post Posted January 27, 2013 That was a good laugh. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
reezenhunter Report post Posted January 28, 2013 I am on a phone so I'm good! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elkaddict Report post Posted January 28, 2013 Ain't it the truth! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mocha1545 Report post Posted January 28, 2013 I needed that laugh. You forgot to say "But, Wait There's MORE". 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Outdoor Writer Report post Posted January 28, 2013 I am on a phone so I'm good! I needed that laugh. You forgot to say "But, Wait There's MORE". Aaa, but there is more.... I hope the phone you're on isn't a cell phone!! Didn't you get the email about the signal scrambling your brains into chorizo??? Oh, I am also broke now because of all the money I sent to Amed in good faith to get my $1.5 million inheritance that a goat herder in Bangladesh left me. I should have learned from the first time when I sent $5,000 to the 20 names at the end of an email. I was supposed to get $1 billion within a week with that one. I got diddly. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Snapshot Report post Posted January 29, 2013 I am on a phone so I'm good! I needed that laugh. You forgot to say "But, Wait There's MORE". Aaa, but there is more.... I hope the phone you're on isn't a cell phone!! Didn't you get the email about the signal scrambling your brains into chorizo??? Oh, I am also broke now because of all the money I sent to Amed in good faith to get my $1.5 million inheritance that a goat herder in Bangladesh left me. I should have learned from the first time when I sent $5,000 to the 20 names at the end of an email. I was supposed to get $1 billion within a week with that one. I got diddly. Your a better man then me.......when I get those emails, I send them something in return.......but it is not as nice as money. There are usually a few 4 letter words enclosed in my reply Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Outdoor Writer Report post Posted January 29, 2013 Your a better man then me.......when I get those emails, I send them something in return.......but it is not as nice as money. There are usually a few 4 letter words enclosed in my reply That's because you're a typical redneck. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Snapshot Report post Posted January 30, 2013 Your a better man then me.......when I get those emails, I send them something in return.......but it is not as nice as money. There are usually a few 4 letter words enclosed in my reply That's because you're a typical redneck. I like to consider myself as an "above average redneck" If all those money emails were true, I would have about 20 billion dollars in the bank by now. It's funny how someone on the other side of the world, that I have never met, wants to make me rich Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Outdoor Writer Report post Posted January 31, 2013 If all those money emails were true, I would have about 20 billion dollars in the bank by now. It's funny how someone on the other side of the world, that I have never met, wants to make me rich Likely because you look needy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
