Regrets of the Dying

[Chef]

REGRETS OF THE DYING - Bronnie Ware

 

 

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die.

Some incredibly special times were shared.

I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

 

 

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's

capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected,

denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace

before they departed though, every one of them.

 

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes

surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

 

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back

clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even

a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

 

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you

lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

 

 

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

 

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners.

All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you

think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities,

ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

 

 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

 

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre

existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the

bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way

you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or

it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

 

 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

 

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible

to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by

over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.

Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

 

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death,

the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not

money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of

those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love

and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

 

 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

 

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed

stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their

physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content.

When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

 

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to

let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

 

 

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

 

[Snapshot]

Regrets are unfortunate circumstances in life, many of which are irreparable. I could fill a book with mine.

[Mathews]

Man the campfire has been deep lately, like snapshot said I could fill a book with regrets even at the ripe age of 19

[tjhunt2]

Thanks for posting this Chef. Makes ya wonder how ya can still change before the big day.

 

TJ

[billrquimby]

Two of my good friends are dying of prostate cancer. One has reached the stage where he cannot walk without assistance. The other still is as mobile as ever, but the chemo has taken every hair on his body. Both know they will be dead within weeks or, at most, months. Both are in good spirits -- at least outwardly. I hope that when it is my time that I can go with the dignity and class they have.

 

Bill Quimby

[azslim]

you will never hear anyone on their deathbed wish they had spent more time at work

[venadito]

Talk about regrets of a person dying. I sometimes wonder if I have any regrets that I have yet to want to resolve/fulfill. Whoever started this thread, thank you! I too get philosophical especially when I think back on my own mortality, but this is not about me.

I lost my hunting buddy going on two years this coming April. I wonder if he had any regrets. Luis Francisco Coronado was his name and to many he may be just a name. I think he touched some people's lives while he was here. I know he was very special to me and there is not a day that passes that I don't think about him. To me, he was the ultimate hunting partner, he was the ultimate friend, he was the ultimate psychologist, and truth be known he was the ultimate everything. I spent a lot of time with him before he died. You know, that while he was suffering with cancer not once did I hear him complain about his illness or his pain. To this day I don't recall him ever saying anything negative about his affliction. If he had any regrets I do not recall him ever saying them. Luis was my brother-in-law and I think as unfair as life is he truly was dealt the short end of the stick. Living with that disease/sickness is not living. I saw him as a vibrant young man and the cancer wasted him to a shell of the man I knew. That is why I always say we must live life to the fullest every single day we are here, so we don't have any regrets when we leave.

To quote one of my favorite movies, "get busy living or get busy dying, you're *#@*)(^$ right."

[Elkaddict]

you will never hear anyone on their deathbed wish they had spent more time at work

How True!!

[.270]

I ain't dead and dont think I'm close to it but I'm old enough to have a little life experience. I dont regret the mistakes I've made near as much as the stuff I didn't do before I got too old to do it. If you want to do something, do it. Wish in one hand and $h!t in the other and see which one fills up first. Their ain't no time like the present. Lark.

[billrquimby]

"you will never hear anyone on their deathbed wish they had spent more time at work"

 

Depends upon the guy's occupation. A big part of my income before I retired came directly or indirectly from hunting. Like Lark, I regret not doing more before I woke up after a heart attack and realized I had grown old overnight and my health suddenly had gone south.

 

Bill Quimby

[CouesWhitetail]

Great post and an excellent reminder of what we should all value in life.

[Chef]

I like to put it as..."creating memories"

 

Whether with family, friends, on trips, etc.

 

When I am dying, I'm sure I won't remember all the stuff I bought or the money I spent/made. Hopefully I would have made some nice memories to reflect on though. Things that make me say, "I've lived a good life."

[SunDevil]

WOW - this does provide some important things to think about but all in all my initial and followup reaction to this post is that is kind of morbid.

[Chef]

Chris,

I never used to think about life & death & our limited time we have in life.

That is until I had a close hunting partner and friend pass away. It made me think about things

and how I was wasting too much time on things that, in the end, wouldn't matter to me.

 

I began to start investing more time with important people in my life. My Grandpa was getting up there in age

and I spent a lot more time with him and shared more great conversations. I also began telling him how much I loved him. With me being from a Mexican "machismo" culture,

it was a little hard to do at first, but boy did it make me feel good. I could really tell the effect it had on him too.

Towards the end of his life, he would thank me everytime I said it, and I said it everytime I said goodbye. When he passed, I felt like I had really done my part and given him the best of me,

while he was still alive, when it counted. It is a great feeling and one that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

 

I try to be that person to many people. I don't waste time with "ugly" personalities and appreciate the honest and true

individuals in my life.

 

Don't think about death and see the negative (morbid), but as venadito said, think about death and ...start livin'!

[azslim]

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not screaming like everyone else in the car.

 

 

Lark, Bill - I changed my work a little late in life, but now I look forward to going as it is in the outdoors. The only thing I miss from my old life are the paychecks, but not as much as you would think (except when I want to trot down and buy a new Kimber or Custom Shop SW 1911).