Huntin' Jokes

[db cooper]

Jethro and Earl are out hunting.

 

After a long walk uphill, Jethro grabs his chest and falls to the ground. Earl panics and calls 911 on his cellphone. He tells the operator that Jethro had a heart attack and isn't moving. The operator says " now calm down sir" The first thing you need to do is make sure your friend is dead. Earl says, "ok" and after a brief silence the operator hears a gunshot. Earl comes back on the phone and says " ok, I'm sure he's dead now, what next?"

[couesobsession]

Sorry, just have to share this one

 

"Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

 

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

 

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

 

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

 

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

 

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[couesobsession]

Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

 

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

 

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

 

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

 

He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a $h!t, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."

 

"Yeah? What happened next?" Asks his friend.

 

"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."

 

One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"

 

He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain. . ."

[Shooter McGavin]

What is the fastest thing?

 

A CEO is need of a new assistant and puts an ad in the paper stating "If you can convince me what is the fastest thing out there in life you will get the job, an incredible salary with incredible benefits". A day later 4 men arrive in his office and sit down with the CEO to go over their answers.

 

The first man states, it is a thought; "thoughts just pop in your head all the time" the CEO is very impressed and looks to the second man to see if he can beat that.

 

The second man says that is fast, but unfortunately a blink is even faster. Blinks happen all time without you even realizing it. The CEO is really impressed and agrees with the second applicant and then turns to the third man and asks if he can top that.

 

The third man replies without a doubt, it has to be light. I have a barn out where I live and it is 100 yds away from my house and all I have to do is flip on the switch and BOOM, the light is on.

 

The CEO is just floored and agrees with the third man that his answer is the fastest thing out there. He turns to the 4th canidate and asks if he can beat that.

 

The fourth guy stands up and says yep, it's diarrhea. They all start laughing at him and ask do tell. The man explains that the other night he stopped for Taco Bell and ordered the Nacho Supreme, 4 soft tacos and the Chalupa. By the time he got home he had finished everything and was unlocking his front door, but before he could THINK, BLINK or turn on the LIGHT he crapped his pants. Needless to say he got the job.

[Pine Donkey]

Sorry, just have to share this one

 

"Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

 

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

 

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

 

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

 

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

 

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

 

 

LMAO

[couesobsession]

How about this one?

 

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

[couesobsession]

This story is allegedly true, not as funny as some but the possibility of it happening is pretty funny

 

From the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry Ahlman, Ahlman's, Rt.

1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052. (supposedly true)

 

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's

yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old

farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule

standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the

heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"

The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back,

however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car

and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, "No, we can't hunt

here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the

passenger side.

And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

[billrquimby]

An oldie, but still funny if you've not heard it:

 

Two young men, both new to the sport of hunting, were in the woods when they came across tracks they couldn't identify. While they were bent over, inspecting them, a train ran over them.

 

Bill Quimby

[Pine Donkey]

An 85 year old guy goes into the doctor for a checkup. After the exam the doctor tells him he is in reasonably good shape for his age. The old guy is offended that the doctor did not compliment him on his physical condition, and shot back that he is in great shape, has a wonderful life, and even has a 20 year old wife who is pregnant. He then asked the doctor, "what do you think about that?"

 

The doctor replied that he has another patient that is 95 and is an avid hunter. A couple weeks ago he went out elk hunting. As he walked slowly down a trail, a nice big cow stepped out. It was then that he realized he had forgotten his gun and only had his walking stick. He decided to enjoy the moment and raised his walking stick to his shoulded, pointed it at her and said "BANG". To his amazement the elk fell over dead. The doctor then asked, "what do you think about that?"

 

The 85 year old man replied "logic tells me that somebody else put that shot in her".

 

"My point exactly" replyed the doctor!

[Pine Donkey]

A guy went out bear hunting with his trusty 22-250. On the first morning he spotted a large bear, snuck into range, and put a well place shot right behind the shoulder. The bear stood up looked at him and said, "that really hurt!". The scared hunter asked, "are you going to eat me?" the bear said, No, but I am going to have my way with you sexually!"

 

That night, as the hunter sat at home reflecting on the events of the day, he became very angry with the bear. The next day he headed out again, this time with his 30-06. He found the same bear and again placed a nice shot behind the shoulder. Again the bear stood up and said, "that really hurt". The hunter again asked the bear it it was going to eat him. The bear replied, "no, it will be the same routine as yesterday."

 

That night the sore, tattered hunter sat at home and decided that he was not going to take this from the bear. The next morning he headed out again, this time with his 300 mag. He again found the bear, and again placed a shot right behind the shoulder. Again the bear stood up and complained that it really hurt. He walked over to the terrified hunter and said, "you're back again? I guess its not the hunting you like!"

[db cooper]

An old hunter moves into a cabin in the middle of no where. His nearest neighbor, an old trapper, lives 20 miles away. One day, the old hunter sees the old trapper coming up to his cabin. He asks "what's going on?" The old trapper says, " I'd like to invite you to a party at my place, next friday. There is going to be eating, drinking, a lot of screaming and then some fighting, and then a whole lot of wild sex. The hunter, having been alone too long, says great, I'll be there!" Who alls going?" The trapper says, " just you and I!"

[couesobsession]

A guy went out bear hunting with his trusty 22-250. On the first morning he spotted a large bear, snuck into range, and put a well place shot right behind the shoulder. The bear stood up looked at him and said, "that really hurt!". The scared hunter asked, "are you going to eat me?" the bear said, No, but I am going to have my way with you sexually!"

 

That night, as the hunter sat at home reflecting on the events of the day, he became very angry with the bear. The next day he headed out again, this time with his 30-06. He found the same bear and again placed a nice shot behind the shoulder. Again the bear stood up and said, "that really hurt". The hunter again asked the bear it it was going to eat him. The bear replied, "no, it will be the same routine as yesterday."

 

That night the sore, tattered hunter sat at home and decided that he was not going to take this from the bear. The next morning he headed out again, this time with his 300 mag. He again found the bear, and again placed a shot right behind the shoulder. Again the bear stood up and complained that it really hurt. He walked over to the terrified hunter and said, "you're back again? I guess its not the hunting you like!"

 

 

 

ROFL!!!

[rclouse79]

Got this e-mail last week and couldn't stop laughing.

 

Four guys have been going to the same moose camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

 

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

 

Two days later the three get to the camping site

only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

 

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

 

"Well, I've been here since yesterday."

 

"Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said. 'guess Who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

 

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

 

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

 

So, here I am.

[BASS]

Diary of a Deer Hunter

 

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partner arrive, drags you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for steepest mountain.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to mountain before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head up the mountain.

6:05 AM: Glass up eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over next ridge.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:30 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Dig truck keys out of fire.

6:20 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

 

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.

[loco4coues]

A man takes a blond hunting. She has never been before but is a good shot with a rifle and very excited for the hunt. First day they are sitting near the top of a ridge glassing. After a while they hear some brush rustling on the back side of the ridge. The man says he is going to go over the top and check out the noise. He tells the blond to sit tight. He also tells her that if she sees anything and she feels good about the shot to take it. A few minutes later the man hears a shot. He heads back over the ridge and sees the blond arguing with a hunter at the bottom of the ridge. He hurries down and hears the blond yelling, "Its my deer, I found him and I shot him, so you can just stay away!" Then the man sees the frightened hunter as he stammers " ok, ok, just let me take my saddle off of him."