CHD

Hey .270 & AZGUIDE, Good discussion. .270, I believe you when you say you didn't know about Cal. It was a big story 15 or so years ago as his shenanigans became exposed. His notoriety and fame sure subsided quickly, similar to Darner. And this was before the internet. There are some characters out there that are questionable, as you mentioned. There are also some dang good legit hunters with incredible trophy collections. One thing that bothers me today is that 2 of the most visible and known trophy muley hunters today are convicted poachers. They have both been convicted of illegally killing muleys. They are making vids and selling them left and right, are in magazine articles, and are looked upon as the great ones of today. They always seem to have their names and pics everywhere. This is incredible to me. How do you believe anything they say? One time one of these guys told me "every successful trophy mule deer hunter has a skeleton or two in the closet" just to act like he wasn't different than the rest. I still can't believe he made that statement. I watched one of these guys get huffy at an outdoor show when someone claimed he was squirrelly. What a hypocrite! I know a guy that just had his buck story in one of these mags, and the score is completely misrepresented so that the buck looks bigger and the hunter looks better. I have a copy of the official scoresheet, too. I will definitely be dropping the publisher an email. I once emailed the publisher of one mag a note that a buck was described as 194 B & C but it was clearly 175-180. He responded with "I know that, but I still put it in". WTF??? I recently saw some muley guides in stories in one of these mags who are convicted poachers also. There was a guy from Rock Springs in the '80's trying to get famous (he was for a while) by whacking winter range bucks and then claiming to kill a big one every fall. He was finally caught and exposed. Plenty of guides have kill photos in their brochures that they didn't guide to. As so it goes in the world of trophy hunting. Hey Ernesto, long time no speak! I remember you partner. How's life for you these days? I hope everything is going well for you. I am a temporary member of the family here again, and will be leaving soon. Chris

Hey Allen Taylor, Go get 'em (not me)! I definitely admire your being outspoken and standing up for what you believe in and standing up for hunting! Not many do. I didn't say anywhere in my message that you were "wasting" your time on the USO issue, nor do I believe it. You are misunderstanding my point. What I should have said is to ALSO spend some of your plentiful energy on exposing poachers and their supportors. Didn't mean to offend you. I just happen to be on the 'expose a poacher' bandwagon these days. This is one of the causes I am outspoken about, similar to your anti-USO crusade. Again, I certainly admire you for your efforts and dedication to hunting. Hey .270, I'm glad you responded. Yessirree, I have an intense personality. Not many like it. I just have a short fuse these days for wildlife violators being in magazines, videos, books, etc... and being looked upon by the unknowing as legit. I always like the "Poaching Section" that is sometimes (but too infrequent) in the Eastmans' Journal. There seems to be a lot of misrepresentations in the magazines lately also. Included are 1) hunters lying about scores, 2) outfitters lying about scores, 3) guided hunters acting like they did it themselves, 4) wildlife violators in articles, etc... Coziah is one who turned my stomach because he was written up in Outdoor Life or one of the big mags about 20 years ago. Then he wrote his book, which I bought. Then I read an article in a Wyoming newspaper about 10 years ago that explained how he was convicted for killing a muley in western Wyo during the winter. The article also described how P & Y disqualified a Montana buck he tried to enter by breaking off the kickers. I ain't willing to spend time finding this conviction info for you. I don't judge people on heresay spread by envious, ego-driven hunters. I have read enough that the guy has no credibility with me forever, period. .270, I completely agree with your opinion about record books and record book clubs. I also didn't insinuate that you were a poacher, not do I believe it. You seem like a very ethical hunter to me. Unlike some, I automatically believe hunter's success stories on great trophies. In other words, they are ethical to me until they are convicted or proven otherwise. But if they are indeed a proven wildlife violator............ then I am done with them. And I will continue to remind folks about them and not spend $$$ on vids, books, mags, gear, etc... that knowingly have these people involved just to make $$$. Like Mike Eastman, this is my favorite cause when it comes to trophy hunting. Enough, I have to get back to work.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail": He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination. He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel. When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs. He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back." He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place. More on the Arizona Sheriff: With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. "It feels like we are in a furnace" said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane." Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!" Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one, there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes -not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

Detroit, Oregon - A hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead. Redondo Beach, California - After a short chase, officer Joseph Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it." Australia - The Australian Police Journal reported that an elderly woman had already used about half of the powder in a custard packet when she discovered an object that appeared to be a large dead cockroach. However, when she brought it to the Health Department, food analysts determined it to be a dried-up human finger. The following investigation revealed that a factory worker had lost two fingers in a machine with rotating blades. One finger had been found. The other had made its way into the custard packet the woman had bought. Pochatello, Idaho - In February, 1997 a 46-year-old female elementary school principal was charged with misdemeanor trespass, based on photographs taken by former police dispatcher Richard Clothier. Clothier had taken the pictures in order to find out who had been running onto his property since September, defecating in his front yard on Sundays. In a pre-trial conference the woman admitted in front of several witnesses that she had indeed defecated 21 times on Clothier's lawn, as well as about 5 times on the lawns of his neighbors. Edmonton, Alberta - The driver of an armored truck appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. Six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, which had been swerving left and right. As it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas. Sacramento, California - An elderly gentleman walked into a police station and reported that he thought he had robbed a Wells Fargo Bank a few days earlier. The police officers didn't take his confession too seriously because he was very old, suffered from obvious physical ailments, carried a white hospital bag, and admitted that he wanted to go back into Kaiser Hospital's psychiatric ward. He also couldn't remember the exact day, time, location of the bank, or the nearest cross street. However, after an intensive interrogation, FBI agents found out that the senior citizen had indeed robbed the bank and was responsible for three other bank robberies. Antioch, California - A 22-year-old man was arrested after allegedly ordering a stranger to fix his truck at gunpoint. San Francisco, California - Dan White, a city supervisor, killed Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk, another supervisor. White's lawyers said that eating a Twinkie had made his blood sugar level rise so high, it caused his psychotic episode. this resulted in the charges against White being dropped from murder one to involuntary manslaughter. Mount Shasta, California - Joy Glassman, the 60-year-old mother of a firefighter, was charged with five counts of arson. She allegedly set the fires to help her son's career. Boynton, Florida - For their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder. Woburn, Massachusetts - In Agust 1996, police investigated complaints about the Anchor Baptist Church. The church allegedly lured kids from a nearby housing project by promising them pizza and then baptized them without their parents' permission. Sanger, Texas - Four teenagers, including the police chief's son, broke into a funeral home. They had planned to steal embalming fluid, dip cigarettes in it and smoke them. But when they couldn't find any fluid, they decided to cut off the finger of a corpse and took turns trying to smoke it. Pennsylvania - A bank robber was sentenced to 24 years in prison. Instead of wearing masks, he and his accomplice had thought that rubbing citric acid on their faces would somehow blur their images on the security cameras. Pikeville, Kentucky - After a fight with his girlfriend's 16-year-old son over rent money, Jesse James Taylor drove himself to the emergency room of the Methodist Hospital with part of a butcher knife in his back and a meat cleaver stuck in his head. After successful surgery, he was released the very next day. Ogden, Utah - A man wearing a clown costume, make-up, a purple wig, and bedroom slippers assaulted a mechanic living in a trailer. The Ogden Standard-Examiner reported that the clown had knocked on the mechanic's door and had demanded to see "Kathy." When the mechanic had explained that he didn't know anyone named Kathy, the clown had accused him of having an affair with her, grabbed the lamp, hit him over the head and ran away. Wandsworth, England - In 1993, Karl Watkin was sentenced to 18 months in prison for pretending to have sex with a sidewalk. In April, 1996, he was convicted of gross indecency and sentenced to 6 years in prison for simulating sexual intercourse with garbage bags. In September, he commited suicide in his cell. Appleton, Wisconsin - Darrell Voeks was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of farm pigs to pay for breast implants for his favorite stripper at a local club. He was sentenced to ten years in prison. Key West, Florida - A restaurant worker killed another as the result of a heated argument over how to put silverware into a dishwasher. Ypsilanti, Michigan - The Ann Arbor News reported that a man failed to rob a Burger King because the clerk told him he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the man ordered onion rings, but the clerk informed him that they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated robber left. St. Peters, Missouri - A gunman robbed a 711 store, but returned the money minutes later because his car wouldn't start. Amazingly, the store clerks came out to the parking lot and gave the robber's car a jump start. Police Officer David Kuppler commented: "We have a very friendly town out here." Niagara Falls, Ontario - The operators of Casino Niagara told a local newspaper that customers urinating around slot machines had become a serious problem. Customers who believed a slot machine would soon pay off were afraid to leave the machines and either wore adult diapers, urinatedinto the platic coin cups or simply on the floor next to the machines. Grande Ronde, Oregon - Sixty-seven-year-old Arthur Mooney died of a heart attack in the Spirit Mountain Casino. While his body lay right there on the floor for an hour, the other customers continued to play the slot machines. Vanuatu, South Pacific - The entire 300-men-strong police force of the island nation was arrested after kidnapping a visiting politician from Australia and attempting to use the hostage as leverage in a dispute with the government concerning overtime pay. Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest. Tegucigalpa, Honduras - To combat the spread of HIV, prison officials at the Central Penitentiary decided to encourage male inmates to marry each other, thus vowing to be faithful to just one sexual partner. The same-sex marriages are valid only in the prison. Eight couple have already tied the knot. Scarborough, England - On June 22, 1996, a totally wrecked Ford was found at the bottom of a 100-foot cliff. Police found no sign of the driver but discovered a pile of human feces on the driver's seat. Cameroon - Lynch mobs from several towns hanged three men who had been accused of evil witchcraft. The men supposedly had the ability to make other men's genitalia shrink or even disappear. Similar penis panics have been reported in China, where it is called "shook yang" and in Malaysia, where natives call the superstition "koro".

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business................Now give me back my dog."

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"

Corporate lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $2000 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 2000 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $2000 he owes me?" Management lesson? - If you share critical information, pertaining to credit and risk, in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Corporate lesson 2 A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Management lesson? - Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity Corporate Lesson 3 A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Management lesson? - Always let your boss have the first say. Corporate Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. a small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management lesson? - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Corporate Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.. Management Lesson? - Bull sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Corporate Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lesson? - 1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy 2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep sh!t, keep your mouth shut!

People over 35 should be dead. Here's why. According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good!!!!! People under 30, politicians and lawyers are WIMPS

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM... One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO. One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK. One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From MONTANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY. One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on br! ake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Prairie Dog tails attached to antenna: WYOMING. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA. One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS. No hands on the wheel, driving with the knees, applying makeup, talking on cell phone, writing in journal, reading scriptures, 20 kids screaming in the back, 'Families are Forever' bumper sticker, flipping off your neighbor, UTAH!

Top 10 Ways That Handguns are Better Than a Woman #10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month. #3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . #1 - You can put a silencer on a handgun

Subject: Things Teachers Would Like To Write On Report Cards (But Cannot): 1. Since the last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. This student has delusions of adequacy. 4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. 7. Student has been working with glue too much. 8. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 11. It's hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Useful Military Warnings: "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies (And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -- U.S.A. Ammo

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.... NOW --------Enough of that! The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your butt, it always comes back to bite you.

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells... ? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's butt came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now the twist to the story................. When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit. through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's butt. And you thought being a horse's butt wasn't important???

You Might be a Redneck if............. If your standard of living improves when you go camping. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog You have a relative living in your garage. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. (BEST) Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've slow danced in the Waffle House. Starting your car involves popping the hood. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. You whistle at women in church. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home. You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat. You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils-the whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... " MORAL: Women are clever, evil witches. Don't mess with them.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers." That is truly what life is about. Don't get caught in the rat race.

Jeff Foxworthy on ALASKA If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Alaska. If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy" you might live in Alaska. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Alaska. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Alaska. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,you might live in Alaska. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Alaska. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Alaska. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Alaska. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Alaska. If you see a really pretty girl in a bikini and say I bet she would really look good in a snow machine suit, you might live in Alaska. YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE ALASKANITE WHEN: 01. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a truck plowing snow on the highway. 02. "Vacation" means going to Valdez. 03. You measure distance in hours. 04. You know several people who have hit a Moose more than once. 05. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. 06. Your whole family wears blue jeans to church on Sunday. 07. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 08. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 09. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 10. You think of the major food groups as beer and Salmon 11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them. 12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time. 13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 15. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 16. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. 17. You know how to polka. 18. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 19. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 20. Down South to you means Seattle. 21. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. 22. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 23. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 24. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 25. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Alaska friends.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists - 2 men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The 2nd man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given similar instructions - to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Environmentalist Dies TULSA - Blake Champlin, a Tulsa lawyer and environmental activist, died Monday at his home when a tree supporting a hammock fell and crushed him. Champlin, 45, died instantly, said Gerald Hilsher, an attorney with Shipley & Kellogg, Champlin's former law firm. Champlin was a member of Sierra Club and Save the Illinois River, and the director of Keep Tulsa Beautiful. He also pushed for an agreement between Oklahoma and Arkansas on phosphorus limits in northeast Oklahoma waters, Hilsher said. Champlin was a past director of the Oklahoma Society of Environmental Professionals and a past chairman of the Environmental Law Section of the Oklahoma Bar Association. He was a featured speaker at numerous environmental seminars throughout the region and represented many individuals in northeast Oklahoma who sued poultry companies for alleged water and air pollution, specifically around the Grand Lake area. Champlin became a named-partner of Shipley, Jennings & Champlin and, in 2002, he joined the Tulsa law firm of Boone, Smith, Davis, Hurst & Dickman, where he headed their environmental law department. A memorial service is scheduled for 2 p.m. Friday at Asbury United Methodist Church in Tulsa.

One of the first times I was turned on to Coues deer hunting was reading Jay Gates' book about 15 years ago. I also attended one of his seminars. His statements and opinions about big muleys gave credence to his opinions about the wonderful and challenging Coues deer. Me and other muley guys got bit, really hard. The Coues deer bug has taken hold and has multiplied many times since then, and here we all are. One of the things I got from his book is that he had success jumping and shooting Coues deer in addition to glassing them up (spot and stalk). That is the way that O'Connor and many of the old timers used to hunt, back when Coues bucks were tame, LOL! Are there any of you guys or gals that have had success by kicking brushy draws and likely bedding areas and hoping for a running shot? I bet there are some, since there is a lot of country for this kind of tactic, including shallow draws with oak stringers down the bottom with open hillsides. Also, there are plenty of mesquite thickets where this tactic could be applied. I have tried this hunting tactic myself, but no wallhangers have gotten up yet. Only small bucks, which I prefer to pass on (as if I could really hit a running monster, LOL!) Chris Darnell

This may seem like a silly question to ask on this forum, but I don't care. Since I am a Grade A, First Class Rattlesnake Magnet (and a resulting rattlesnake phobic, LOL), I wanna know. Are buzztails still out during the October and November Coues deer seasons in Arizona? Chris

Relax everyone, I am outta here anyway. I think that is the point in my message, wasn't it obvious? Funny how just a few words can get under some people's hide real easily, hehehe, and how people can judge your whole lifestyle from them without even knowing you. 44 mostly pro-lion posts under 'lions' with much fewer under a deer topic just about says it all to me. Now I know why Arizona has a lion problem. Although I did get some useful info from this forum for a while, it just doesn't seem to be good for exchanging useful, hard-core info with knowledgeable hunters. I did get some good info about Coues deer from the rest of the site, though. Overall, this site is a pretty good resource for Coues deer. I even made a $$$ donation and bought stuff here (have any of you judgemental newbies done that?). Amanda, please deactivate me now. Oh, and you can also delete my message in order to save the whole hunting world from the anti's. Good luck on future hunts to all you hard-core buck hunters! See ya.